For Iresha
Black women don't love each other. Put it to talk shows, music, and most forms of popular media - we only fight, clash and argue over men. Sad thing is - I fear that some of us have started to believe this! How many sistas (or maybe even you) have said , " I can't be friends with females because they only cause drama." This outlook has always been problem-fucking-matic to me because many of the same young women who make this declaration can't seem to have high-functioning positive relationships with the black men in their lives either. Often even tolerating emotional, verbal and physical abuse from them (which is another piece to write for another time) Moreover, these are women themselves! Whats up with the disconnect?
In truth, there has always been a strong, I believe - cardinal bond that characterizes the relationships between black women. Historically, from African enslavement through Jim Crow and our present days of continued racism and oppression, black female friends have survived off of friendships between each other. We have also challenged our oppressions with shared political agendas. Not only do we serve as emotional support for one another, but black women have always had other black women to serve as an extended kinship network as well. How many of your mothers friends are your aunties? We have always been more than friends . We are sistas.homegirls.crews.cousins.kinfolks.girls.sistren. We mother each others children, stick up for each other, sustain friendships, provide balance for one another in a world of constant oppression.
As Iresha told me one morning, Black women need a new space to communicate with each other. Lets be real. A healthy relationship between black women can be challenging to sustain. We are often victims of intersecting oppressions (sexuality, race, socioeconomic background) and it can feel that we are in competition for lack of resources. Friendships between sistas take work & understanding. How many of us who buy in to the notion that females bring too much drama try to dissect what all that drama is about? Is homegirl always arguing because she has self-image issues in a society that objectives her body? Is your girl selfish because she didn't have much growing up and doesn't really know how to share? Does your sistafriend disconnect whenever you all really need to get things done because she lacks confidence in her academic potential because she went to low-performing schools all of her life? I'm not suggesting these are the only conditions our sisters are in, but we must be honest - a disproportionate number of sistas are affected by systems of oppression. True - sometimes a friend can be flat out trifling and no excuses can be made and perhaps a friendship isn't worth saving. But through personal experience I know that I've lost or disconnected from sistafriends when the friendship just needed a little tender sistalove & care. It is worth it to find out. That bag lady may be having a hard time letting go . Maybe as a friend you should ask her how can you build her up instead of finding it so easy to let her go. All of us don't come to friendships as buildings claiming to be fully erect looking for a place to stand. Sometimes a sista may come to you in search of stones, wood, bricks, mud, or siding .
Lets build her up.
written 6/22
A new article was written on this :
http://crunkfeministcollective.wordpress.com/2010/09/19/females-you-just-cant-trust-em-and-other-lies-women-believe/
Wonderful post! Thank you for this thought provoking and soul searching post. This piece reminded me of something I once read by Audre Lorde "Often we give lip service to the idea of mutual support and connection between black women because we have not crossed the barriers to those possibilities, nor fully explored the angers and fears that keep us from realizing the power of real Black sisterhood... We cannot continue to evade each other on the deepest levels because we fear each others anger, nor continue to believe that respect means never looking directly with openness into another Black woman eyes (I was not meant to be alone, and without you who understand.)
ReplyDeleteYour piece made me think about the hard work, dedication, sacrifice, love and continual forgiveness needed to sustain sista friendships. Just writing this has me thinking about a another powerful thing Audre Lorde said "As Black women, we have shared so many similar experiences. Why doesn't this commonality bring us closer together instead of setting us a each other throats". Now I realized that if any relationships are worth saving, they are those of my sister friends, home girls and member of high school crew. I now can say honestly to myself and them "I was not meant to be alone, and without you who understand".